Can your heart change colour?

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The Christmas period is  coming to an end, and for me, personally, it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. But, during this time, I have felt so much love from my family and friends. For that I am truly grateful.

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In the last couple of years, for quite some time I had this feeling that some bad events had irrevocably changed me for the worse. I remembered the time when I used to be compassionate and willing to give much of my own time to help and listen to others. At school and university I had always been involved in voluntary work and it made me feel happy to help other people. But in the years after university, I sensed that I had gradually started to lose this compassion and, because of this, I felt that I had even lost a deep part of myself. Some difficult circumstances and my reaction to them seemed to cause a bitterness inside me, a deep unhappiness with myself and people I felt I should have been able to trust, perhaps also a latent anger.

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I realised this had happened, not from consciously articulating it, but just because I had this very strange but strong feeling, even a visualisation, that my heart, which had once felt big, had shrunk and turned black, or turned to a small black stone.

I know that might sound crazy, but that’s the image I had.

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I decided that I needed to try and change my heart back to its original size and colour. I tried to give more kindness by doing simple things, like making time to talk to others even when I thought I didn’t have time, by trying to speak in a nicer tone even when I felt stressed (although I didn’t always succeed at that!), by helping a grieving neighbour, by even letting myself not feel guilty about the fact I can’t help others as much as I used to because now I have a full-time job and I also have to make time to look after myself.

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Later in the year, I think it was just before I moved house in August 2015, I had another visualisation about my heart (perhaps it was a dream or maybe just a mental image). The image was that my torso had a zip in it, which I unzipped, reached inside the darkness for my heart which I then took out in my hands, cupping it like a baby bird. Then I put it back inside. I felt that it was gold and glowing a whiteish light.

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I don’t know why I had these mental images which seemed to really speak to me about what was going on with my feelings. After the second one, I sensed that I had started to heal the bitterness and that I was in control of how my heart looked or felt.

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I don’t know how common this kind of thing is… but if you have ever also had a strong visualisation or a mental image that has really meant something to you, don’t be afraid to share it by commenting below or messaging me. I know that to others the mental images I had might sound weird or crazy, but perhaps they were actually very intuitive and trying to tell me something I needed to know. I am just curious if others have experienced this as well, so let me know if you can.

I hope that in 2016 I can keep being kind and compassionate, because it’s a part of myself that I don’t want to feel I have lost.

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Appy (Apathetic) New Year?

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So it’s that time of year again where I start to get a little sentimental and reflective about the year gone by, and to think about the new opportunities and challenges of the year to come. To be honest, being sentimental and reflective is kind of something I am all year round… but end of old year/beginning of new year tends to heighten this personality trait (or should that be defect?!)

Anyway… for anyone who has followed my blog for a while, you might remember some optimistic posts I wrote that in 2015 I was aiming to make a Princess Elsa-like transformation in the spirit of ‘Let it Go’, and I set myself some goals:

  • relax, laugh, release inhibitions – in other words – take opportunities to have fun, enjoy myself and go for it!
  • keep learning to sew on my sewing machine (there are a lot of projects in my head that I would like to literally “materialise!”)
  • keep writing
  • keep learning to cook (I’m getting better!)
  • keep developing inner strength and work on projecting it on the outside too

It’s kind of sad that I am looking back at those words now with a really self-critical view, that I was so naive and my optimism was silly… because I know that soon after this post something happened where I started to lose this sense of a fresh start for 2015 and actually gave up on the idea of a new beginning… instead I went back into old habits of negative thinking, hence I can’t really say that I have achieved the first goal on the list, or the last one. However, I definitely progressed with my sewing and writing and I made some things I am really proud of. As for the cooking, it hasn’t got any worse so that’s something 😉

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One of my more successful sewing projects!

So I guess looking ahead for 2016, I am approaching the new year with a slight feeling of trepidation compared to last year’s rose-tinted view. I don’t really know what goals to set myself which will be realistic to achieve. But what I would really like to do is just to keep going, keep experiencing new things, keep developing personally and emotionally so that I can enjoy what life has to offer. Worry less, be productive, and make the most of my time. And to not be so afraid. I am aware that needless fear could hold me back.

I feel that this post has been rather self-indulgent… and I wonder what approach others are going to take to 2016… is it the rose-tinted optimism, or the sense of trepidation, or apathy? or something else?

Whatever your approach, I really do wish you a Happy New Year; may you have luck, health and happiness. x x x

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